Gingrich, Pelosi, Cheney, and Limbaugh to Star in Remake of Three Musketeers

Havoc Studios announced that its $150 million remake of the classic Alexandra Dumas novel, the three musketeers, will have an all-star cast. Newt Gingrich will play Athos, Dick Cheney will play Aramis, and Rush Limbaugh will play Porthos. The studio was excited that Karl Rove would be the dynamic and exciting young d'Artagnan. Nancy Pelosi will take time off from her duties as speaker of the house to play the important role of Milady de Winter, wife of Athos, reuniting her with her longtime close friend, Newt Gingrich. A major coup for the studio was the casting of Bill Clinton as Cardinal Richelieu. All other members of the cast greeted Clinton's towering presence as the Cardinal with unanimous acclaim.

The Olympic fencing teams from Russia, Poland, and hungry will act as the soldiers for the King and the Cardinal instead of the usual bunch of klutzes who get cut to pieces by the musketeers. This will ensure dynamic and exciting fencing scenes throughout the movie. Gingrich, Cheney, Limbaugh and Rove said they were excited about having the opportunity to clash sabers with Olympic caliber fencers.

Obama Speaking in Code to Taliban (and Republicans)

During view on MSNBC's hardball, Frank Gaffney, the director of the conservative think tank the Center for Security Policy, accused President Barack Obama of speaking in code, and telling the Middle East that America will submit to them. When challenged to explain this Gaffney said, "when he (Obama) uses the term of respect in the context of a waste bow to the king of Saudi Arabia, for example, and talks about respectful language which is code for those who adhere to Shari'a that we will submit to Shari'a."

In further conversation Gaffney went on to point how important it is for us to be able to understand this code. The question is whether anybody but Gaffney understands this code. Perhaps when you're the president of a right wing Center for Security Policy organization you get secret code books. If so, Gaffney has a moral and legal obligation to share this with the president and the national Security Council. Oh, excuse me. I guess Gaffney assumes that President Obama doesn't need a code book because he knows the gestures of submission.

The Republican right (doesn't that include all Republicans?) was obviously going to jump all over, if you'll pardon the metaphor, everything resident Obama did and said during his recent trip to Europe, and now to the Middle East. The Republicans, as former Vice President Cheney would assure you, are experts on Middle Eastern policy. After all, look what they accomplished in eight years with Iran and Iraq. I ran is still moving towards building nuclear weapons and Iraq after nearly being leveled by internal strife, has a fragile our government that may or may not make it to democracy. Let's not forget about Afghanistan, where Republican policies made it possible for the Taliban to be in a position to threaten

Rush Limbaugh Rumored to Pay AIG Bonuses

Rush Limbaugh, leader of the Republican Party, and one of the few people supporting the payment of the AIG bonuses, is rumored to be willing to pay those bonuses out of his own huge salary. My inside source at Rush Limbaugh's radio station, Mary Rockefeller Swyne, alleges that Rush has been pacing the halls muttering, "Those Poor Bastards at AIG."

During the March 17 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio show, Rush Limbaugh -defended American International Group (AIG) from criticism of the company's controversial employee retention bonuses. Limbaugh declared, "A lynch mob is expanding: the peasants with their pitchforks surrounding the corporate headquarters of AIG, demanding heads. Death threats are pouring in. All of this being ginned up by the Obama administration." It's hard to imagine where the people of New York City would get pitchforks but it's been said that anything is for sale in Manhattan. Perhaps Rush himself brought them into incite a potential riot.

Limbaugh later said, "This $500,000 limit on executive pay -- let me tell you why it won't work. New York City will die. New York City needs a whole bunch of people being paid a whole lot of money, so they can tax their butts off, so that the city can maintain its stupid streets, potholes, and welfare state. Without the super wealthy in New York, it's over." It's uncertain whether New York City needs to super rich, but certainly Manhattan does. With its high cost of living, and posh eateries and galleries only the super rich can truly enjoy living in Manhattan. But it's darn decent of Rush to worry about the super rich. Especially now that he's one of them.

Dick Cheney: No One Was Tortured at Guantánamo

In a surprise news conference, former Vice President Cheney asserted that not one single person was tortured or harmed in any way at Guantánamo. To support his contentions the former vice president presented a slideshow of the accommodations and activities that existed at Guantánamo for the detainees. First, the former vice president showed pictures of luxurious condominiums, all with hot tubs and air-conditioning. Inside the condominiums were dark skinned, black haired Arabic looking persons watching television and smiling broadly. When a member of the press question whether these were actual detainees, the former vice president had him arrested and removed from the room.

Next, Mr. Cheney showed pictures of a large swimming pool surrounded by Arabic looking men and women in scanty bikinis. Again, a member of the press questioned the veracity of this picture, pointing out that devout Muslims would never be seen in public with women who were practically undressed. Mr. Cheney asserted that once these men were removed from their native inhibiting cultures they loosened up and adopted Western ways. When a reporter from Al Jazeera protested this assertion the former vice president had him arrested and removed from the room.

The last set of photos showed Arabic looking men shooting pool and playing cards in a large recreation room. Many of them had several empty bottles of beer by them. All of these men seem to be having a very good time. When several reporters rose to their feet saying this was a terrible sham, the former vice president pulled out a shotgun and ordered him to leave the room.

At the end of the press conference the former vice president asked if there were any further questions. In as much as no member of the press was left in the room, there were no questions.

India Outsourcing to America

It's 30 years into the future and America is still in the midst of the recession. President Obama failed to move the economy enough, and 2012 Governor Sarah Palin was elected president. Her platform of, "I Saved Alaska I Can Save America" was a dismal failure and she lost the following election to some unknown Democrat. The Republicans and Democrats have been arguing for 30 years and haven't compromised on anything. In the meantime the American economy has continued to go downhill and a permanent unemployment rate of 25% and a continuing lower standard of living has become the norm.

India on the other hand, came out of its recession in 2010 and, with the American economy in decline and the Chinese economy suffering as a result of it, India became the number one industrial power in the world. Poverty in India ceased to exist, and wages skyrocketed. In late 2038, Indian companies began to outsource their call centers to the United States. American universities, sponsored by giant Indian corporations with limitless budgets, began to train millions of Americans to speak Hindi. The early efforts are successful and financial and accounting services are outsourced to poverty-stricken New York and New Jersey. Indian consumers become disgruntled over having to talk to Americans with terrible accents.
The Indian National Motor Corporation (INMC) begins building automobile plants throughout the United States which has no automotive manufacturing capabilities.


By 2045, the American economy has begun to revive, and Samuel Raj, the third-generation grandson of Indian immigrants is elected president of the United States on a "JOBS FOR EVERYONE" platform. The Democrats and Republicans are reduced to a fraction of their former selves as the American Indian Libertarian (AIL) takes control of Congress. AIL is able to pass President Raj's complete agenda. By 2050, the American economy has once again become a force to be reckoned with as the unemployment rate falls below 10% for the first time since 2009. President Raj is hailed as one of the great American presidents even before he finishes out his second term

Karl Rove: America's Favorite Person

For sometime I have been aware that a number of Americans hate Karl Rove. I have been mystified by these hostile feelings because it is well known that he cares about each and every American, regardless of their race, nationality, religion, or political affiliation. This has earned him the nickname of "America's favorite person," among many, many people. I have even been told that each night before he goes to bed, he says a special prayer for the well-being of liberal Democrats throughout this country. Isn't that sweet.

He was blamed for spreading disinformation about the cause and purpose of the war in Iraq. To the best of my knowledge he consistently stated that we were invited in by the Iraqis to help them overthrow Saddam Hussein. He certainly wasn't responsible for the fact that the CIA and other intelligence sources gave the president and his advisers faulty information regarding the status of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. My inside source within inner conservative Republican circles, Stanislaw Lemsky, a former Soviet school teacher and member of the KGB, told me that Karl cautioned the president about making sure the intelligence information was absolutely correct.

A number of people also accused him of preventing significant numbers of Americans from being able to vote. To substantiate such absurd claims recently inappropriately intercepted e-mail messages with voter names have been used as purported evidence to support this assertion. Nothing could be further from the truth. Karl and his staff worked late into the night to make sure these people who had been targeted by unknown sources are actually assured of their ability to vote in the 2004 presidential election.

Lastly, allegations were made about Karl's involvement in the prosecution of former Governor Don Siegelman of Alabama. I'm sure Jill Simpson meant well, but she probably misunderstood Karl Rove when he allegedly asked her to photograph then Governor Siegelman in compromising sexual activities. Karl probably told her that he wanted some personal pictures of the governor and his wife so that he could hang them. To have said what Ms. Simpson accuses him of saying what have constituted dishonorable and illegal activities, both totally abhorrent to Karl's altruistic, and loving nature.

War with Klingons Can Save World Economy

Just as World War II brought the American economy out of the Great Depression, a war with the Klingon Empire could do the same for the entire planet. An enormous number of jobs would be created worldwide to build the spaceships and munitions necessary for such a war. Millions of jobs would be necessary just to build the spaceships. Boeing of course, would be one of the world leaders in building the spaceships and smaller fighters. Metal workers, electricians, engineers, and more professions and skills would be needed then there is space here to name. The steel mills of the world would be running at full production. Coal, natural gas, and oil would be needed to run the steel mills. This would generate untold numbers of jobs. The computer companies of the world would be hiring vast numbers of people to build the necessary components for the ships. It's all mind-boggling.

Why would we go to war with the Klingon race? It's the economy stupid. Besides, they're a pugnacious race ready to pick a battle with anyone. The cause for the war? Do wars really ever need causes? If we need a cause, we could send Karl Rove and Joe Biden as ambassadors to the Klingon Empire. Certainly one of them would offend the prickly Klingons into declaring war on us. That's even better! We would be defending ourselves and could appeal to the galactic community for military and economic assistance which would help pay for the war.

The worldwide cooperation necessary to conduct the war would create an era of peace on the planet never seen before. There would be enough factories for the United States, Europe,

Russia, China, India, and etc. there would also be a worldwide wave of kickbacks and bribes enriching lobbyists. The best part is saved for last. If we do this quickly enough, William Shatner could be appointed Admiral and lead the fleet to victory. Angelina Jolie would be the natural choice to lead the ground troops necessary to secure the Klingon world. And who but Dick Cheney could fill the post of worldwide Secretary of War. Glorious days to come.

Octuplets Are Just the Beginning

People who are complaining about Nadya Doud giving birth to Octuplets when she already had six children are missing the point. Sure, there's no way she can afford to feed 14 children unless she works out a million-dollar deal with a publisher or some sleazy supermarket tabloid. However, she has set a precedent whereby we can do away with the old-fashioned concept of having one or two children at a time and begin to produce them by the dozen.

Increasing numbers of young adults are deciding not to have children. If they don't want them, they shouldn't have them. What we need are volunteers like Nadya who will be willing to have a litter of 12 children, or so, to make sure the population doesn't suffer a steep decline, which is what is happening in a number of European countries. This could be a boon to white supremacists who look forward with dread the day when "white" people" become the minority in America. Presently, that looks to be a probability some time around the middle of the century. If white supremacists could get tens of thousands of white women to volunteer to have 12 children, that day could be postponed indefinitely. Bad idea. Color America dark tan or light brown by of end of the century and learn to love it.

Continuing medical advances will make the concept of "assembly-line babies" a reality in the very near future. This will be the culmination of the industrial age which will end with a drastic population reduction and the revival of agrarianism as a way of life in this country. Small-town utopias will rise, as will small and medium-sized farms which are ideal for having 12, or even 24 children. Sex for pleasure's sake will go out the window and sex for procreation only will become the norm throughout society. Hallelujah!

President Bush Celebrates Successful Presidency

At his last press conference, President Bush described the great successes of his presidency. Even though there was gasping, and cries of foul from most of the press, the president went on to list the accomplishments of his eight years as president of the United States. Among them are the following:

The short, successful war in Iraq that resulted in a democracy being established in less than two years, with a minimum of civilian casualties. The president also cited the fact that the war had come in well under budget, costing the American taxpayer less than $100 billion.

Tax cuts that didn't increase the deficit, but rather decreased the deficit to the point that were it not for the slight recession, budget surpluses would be part of the Bush legacy.

Leaving an economy that was basically sound except for the mild recession, which should not last more than a couple of months. The president cited the excellent work of Secretary of the treasury Paulsen and chairman of the Federal Reserve Bernanke in preventing the housing crisis from becoming more than a minor problem for the economy and the people of America.

The major accomplishment in reviving the status of American manufacturing was the reestablishment of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler as the dominant automakers in the world. Each of the big three automakers is now thoroughly solvent and have taken significant market share from Toyota.

The president was also proud of his administration's ability to obtain the cooperation of Al Qaeda and Taliban detainees without the use of any coercive measures. Only one prisoner of war was ever housed at the Guantánamo facility, and that person had a speedy trial in the civilian courts.

President Bush spoke at length about his commitment to the civil liberties of all Americans and his refusal to use wiretaps and other covert unconstitutional surveillance techniques despite the pressure from the Democratic Party.

At the end of the press conference the president was given a standing ovation by all members of the press, many of whom shouted, "Four more years, four more years."

Dick Cheney to be Appointed Ambassador to Klingon Empire

In his greatest display of bipartisanship, President Barack Obama announced today that Vice President Cheney would be appointed as the permanent Ambassador to the Klingon Empire. William Shatner was reported to be upset because he wasn't consulted about this appointment. A representative for President-elect Obama said it was fitting for Vice President Cheney to fill this important post even though it was hundreds of light years from Earth. The Klingons were reportedly delighted that Cheney would receive this appointment because they greatly admire his management style and skills and approach to handling people. Mrs. Cheney said she was looking forward to living on Klingon where she could eat blood worms and other rare delicacies unavailable on this planet.

Former secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld, was considered for this appointment, but his decision to spend the rest of his life at a monastery high in the Tibetan Himalayas made such an appointment in possible. The Klingons expect that Vice President Cheney will be the helpful in their tactical negotiations with the Romulan Empire. Both the Klingons and the Romulans have had a long history of bomb first, talk later diplomacy. The Klingons felt that Cheney's background in this type of interplanetary diplomacy would be extremely useful. Vice president Cheney is also expected to provide expertise in the art of persuading prisoners of war to voluntarily tell everything they know with a minimum of damage to their central nervous system.

This is expected to be the first of many such appointments by President-elect Obama. President Bush is being considered as Ambassador to the Vulcans so that he may be able to share his advanced meditative practices. Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, is reported to be interested in being ambassador to the Borg. After working within the Bush administration for eight years, working with the Borg should be a piece of cake according to an administrative insider.

Vice President Cheney Nullifies Presidential Election: Declares Himself President

At 1 a.m., on December 31, 2008, Vice President Dick Cheney called a press conference to announce that he had nullified the results of the presidential election and had declared himself president. He said that, "The country is facing too many crises to be able to survive the inexperience of formerly President-elect Barack Obama. Only a person with my experience and skill will be able to guide the country for the next eight years." When asked by shocked and horrified reporters, what basis or authority did he have to do this, he replied, "I gave myself the necessary authority." Karl Rove, who was at the back of the room during this announcement, nodded sagaciously.

President Bush who was awakened by the Secret Service to be informed of this announcement reportedly said, "Hunh?" Laura Bush was reported to have said, "Let the damn fool to try to do it." After he finished his brief announcement, Vice President Cheney introduced two army colonels who reportedly backed his coup d'état. My inside source at the White House, Omar Fishbein Muhammed, said that no general in any of the services was willing to support this bizarre attempt at usurping the power of the presidency. When President-elect Barack Obama was informed of Vice President Cheney's announcement he reportedly said that he had dispatched Joe Biden to help arrange for appropriate psychiatric care for the vice president.

In Hollywood, Paris Hilton volunteered to be the vice president's personal nurse, and see to it that he is restored to his full mental health, or what remains of it. Senator John McCain said he had suspended his campaign and was rushing to Washington to be of help in this new crisis. Mrs. Cheney was unavailable for comment, and was last seen boarding a plane for Abu Dhabi.

Caroline Kennedy U.S. Senator?: No Way!

There has been a great deal of opposition expressed about the possible appointment of Caroline Kennedy as a United States Senator to replace Hillary Clinton. This is rightfully so because she has no legislative experience and has held no political office. Her main qualification appears to be that her last name is Kennedy, and she carries the DNA of the former president. What could she possibly offer the people of the State of New York? Does the fact that she is highly intelligent, ethical, and able to comprehend a wide variety of complex issues have any bearing? Are these sufficient qualifications to be appointed United States Senator? Absolutely not! What about the fact that she has written two books, co-authored with Ellen Alderman, related to constitutional rights? Irrelevant, totally irrelevant. Of greater importance is whether she has a list of all the important interest groups in New York State.

Ms. Kennedy has no background or experience in dissembling on important issues. She also has little if any experience in correcting a previously inaccurate statement she had made to the press or media. It's also highly likely she has no experience with one of the most important political issues of our time, working with corporate lobbyists. She's likely to be an independent-minded person voting on issues based on the merits rather than on the important input from highly paid former members of Congress who are trying to buy her vote. We can't afford to have too many people like this in Congress. If our elected representatives don't take money from lobbyists it would put these poor people out of work. Lastly, it's unlikely she has any experience at all with bribery, either as a recipient or a giver. The importance of this issue can be demonstrated by what is happening in the state of Illinois.

The people of the State of New York are entitled to senators who are not only qualified for the office, but have the same set of ethical and moral values. Former Governor Eliot Spitzer could speak at length to this issue. Favoritism and nepotism must be nipped in the bud so that if one of the Bush daughters is ever elected president we can be sure that she earned it

McCain Accuses Obama of Ruining Paradise

Senator McCain said that he had irrefutable proof that Senator Obama was the snake in the Garden of Eden that persuaded Eve, and then Adam, to eat the forbidden Apple, causing them to be cast from Paradise. He went on to say that this was a typical Democratic ploy to force to people who had everything they needed to move into government supplied housing. When Senator Obama replied, "I wasn't born yet" Governor Palin said, "That's one more evasive answer by Senator Obama."

Senator McCain went on to say that Senator Obama was complicit in the destruction of the fleet at Pearl Harbor by the Japanese on December 7, 1941. McCain said that Obama, a Hawaiian resident, failed to perform his civic duty and inform the authorities that the Japanese aircraft were flying across the island. Once again Senator Obama replied, "I wasn't born yet." Governor Palin said, "You can never get a straight answer from Senator Obama."

Senator McCain also accused Senator Obama for the poorly planned war in Iraq. He said that Obama had failed to listen to his generals and had implemented unilateral strategies which forced the war to last more than five years. An outraged Senator Obama said, "I was against the invasion of Iraq never had any responsibilities for military decisions or planning." Governor Palin said, "once again Obama was refusing to accept responsibility for a Democratic caused debacle." When Governor Palin was asked what "debacle" meant, she giggled.

Lastly, Senator McCain said that Senator Obama was entirely responsible for the economic collapse confronting the nation. He pointed out that as one of the nation's wealthiest men with a controlling interest in all of the major brokerage houses Senator Obama failed to act with due diligence when his brokerage houses were creating junk securities. Senator Obama replied, "I have no stock or relationship with any of the brokerage houses on Wall Street." Governor Palin replied, "It’s pretty awful when a man can't own up to what he does."

Hiding Governor Palin in Plain Sight

The McCain campaign announced a list of places that Governor Palin will be campaigning at for the next three weeks. At the same time they announced the new rules for for interviews with Governor Palin. As of September 7, 2008, Governor Palin will not be giving any interviews with the press unless Senator Senator McCain is also present, in which case he will be answering the questions. In the event Senator McCain is otherwise occcupied, Karl Role will substitute for Senator McCain and Karl Rove will answer all the questions.

The McCain campaign also announced that it won't allow any difficult, ticky, or subversive questions to be asked of Governor Palin. The Senator or Karl will be the final arbiters of what constitutes difficult, tricky, or subversive questions. Furthermore, representatives from CNN, MSNBC. or angry liberal establishment reporters will not be allowed to come with 1000 feet of Governor Palin. The McCain campaign reserves the right to add other subvversive persons or agencies to this list.

Lastly, the McCain campaign made it clear that Governor Palin will contine to unleash hostile, sarcastic, and nasty remarks about Senators Obama and Biden. Anyone evidencing even the slightest hostility to Governor Palin will be shot on site as a sexist pig, even Hillary Clinton.

Russia Wins Gold in Georgia

After disappointments in the men's and women's gymnastics, the Russians went for gold in Georgia. The Russian army synchronized tank units blazed across the Georgian border in perfectly symmetrical fashion scoring tens on all Russian judges’ cards and winning the first ever Olympic gold medal for crushing a neighboring free country. Complaints by the government of Georgia that the tank divisions had no business being in their territory were met with the usual deaf ears of Czar Vladimir Putin.

In individual events, the Russian army also won gold medals for destruction of infrastructure, terrorizing unarmed civilians, and crushing a weaker, almost insignificant enemy army. Celebrations were held in Red Square where Russian generals talked about repeating the performance in other former Soviet provinces. President Bush was visibly annoyed because the American tank divisions had no opportunity to show their precision movements against the Russian tank divisions. He was seen talking sternly to his friend Vlady Putin at the other Olympics in Beijing China.

Observers of the Russian tank divisions’ performance said it hearkened back to their fabulous work in crushing the rebellion in Hungary in 1956. A heartening development was the vigorous protest by the French president, Nicholas Sarkozy, who told the Russians to pull back their tanks or face annihilation by French croissant missiles. This apparently had the effect of moving the Russians back a step or two while they awaited the bake-off in France

McCain Campaign Announces Appointment of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

The McCain campaign announced that two special positions were recently created. Paris Hilton has been appointed special director of fund raising for the state of California and Britney Spears has been appointed special director for relations with the evangelical movement. Ms. Hilton's credentials are impeccable and she is the right person to coordinate contributions from the key state of California according to an unnamed source within the McCain campaign. Britney Spears spiritual contributions to the Republican cause are well known. Her deep religious convictions make her the ideal person to work with the evangelical leaders in an effort to maximize support from this group throughout the country. The picture of Senator McCain with these ladies speaks for itself.

There have been unfounded rumors about misconduct regarding these two sterling young ladies which the McCain campaign sought to squash. Another unnamed source within the McCain campaign was quoted as saying, "The morality of these two young ladies is beyond question." Britney Spears who has been nominated as a mother of the year by numerous organizations, goes to church daily and is a model for clean and sober people in Hollywood. Ms. Hilton’s ability to leverage financial opportunities is unique and there is no doubt that she can bring a fresh, new approach to Republican fund-raising in California. Both Ms. Hilton and Ms. Spears said they are eager to work With Governor Schwarzenegger.

Kermit the Frog Rumored to Be on Obama's Shortlist

Persistent rumors have begun to circulate that Kermit the Frog is on Obama's shortlist for vice presidential running mates. No one in the Obama inner circles would confirm these rumors other than to say off the record that the senator is certainly interested in going green. Attempts to locate Kermit have been unsuccessful and he is rumored to be hiding out with Miss Piggy. Efforts to contact Miss Piggy have been futile, and one reporter who allegedly got inside of her house was seen flying out the second-floor window.

There are questions about Kermit's qualifications to be vice president of the United States. However, an unnamed friend of Kermit's said, "Kermit has a demonstrated history of leadership in times of crises and has also displayed a unique ability to get along with all creatures." The animal world is naturally quite excited about such a prospect, particularly frogs and toads. Effingmeyer Toad, a state representative from Mississippi, has gone on record stating that, "Frogs and toads have the greatest possible vested interest in the quality of water in this country and can make a significant contribution to water conservation in drought stricken areas."

When Senator McCain was asked about Kermit's qualifications, he is reported to have responded, "A frog? I wouldn't put anything past Obama. That's too far liberal for anything America could ever tolerate." It is actually not known whether Kermit is a liberal, moderate or a conservative. For that matter, it's not even know whether he is a Democrat. There is no record of Kermit ever voting in any election. Nor has Kermit held any public office. These factors should not be any barrier to Kermit running as vice president in view of the qualifications and performance of many members of Congress.

Stay tuned for further rumors.

Obama Challenges McCain to a Basketball Game for the Presidency

In a radical break with tradition, Senator Barack Obama challenged Senator John McCain to a game of one-on-one basketball to determine who would be the next president of the United States. In view of his slight age advantage, Obama is willing to give McCain a three basket head start. The game will be refereed by Rush Limbaugh, with the Reverend Al Sharpton as backup. One of the conditions of this game is that both senators will donate all of the campaign contributions which they will no longer need to spend to the United States treasury in an effort to solve the fiscal crisis confronting this nation.

Most people view Senator Obama's age advantage as a major factor in making him the overwhelming favorite. However, McCain has said off the record that he will body check Obama off the court. Furthermore, if the game gets really physical, McCain is purported to have stated that, "I will put some major bruises on Obama." When Obama heard this he is reported to have laughed and said, "That dude will never lay a hand on me." In order to sharpen up his game Senator McCain is reportedly working out with the Boston Celtics under the special tutelage of Paul Pierce. Pierce will also be able to help the senator interpret any gang signs that Senator Obama might be inclined to use.

Senator Obama has been working out with the USA women's Olympic basketball team. His wife Michelle has been at every workout and monitoring his progress very closely. Excitement about this game has risen to a fever pitch, even eclipsing the anticipation for the Olympics. Dick Vitale has been selected as the play-by-play announcer, and Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley will provide commentary at halftime. Stay tuned for further announcements.

President Bush's Nightmare

The scene is a president's bedroom at the White House on November 15, 2004. The time is 3 a.m. in the morning.

George is thrashing in bed and screaming out "No, no, no." Laura is awakened and rubs her eyes. George continues thrashing and screaming incoherently.
Laura reaches out and shakes the president's back. "Georgie, Georgie, wake up, wake up." George does not respond and continues moaning. Laura finally punches him in the arm and this awakens George.
"What's happening?" he asks, breathing heavily.
"You tell me. You are the one who was screaming and moaning in the middle of the night."
"That's right! I was having a terrible nightmare. Oh, Laura you couldn't imagine what was happening to me."
"Georgie, just tell honey buns and I'll make it all right," Laura says soothingly.
George takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself. "It was July 4, 2008 and everything was going wrong."
"What do you mean? asks Laura.
"Johnny McCain is going to be the nominee, and he's barely speaking to me."
"There's no way that man's going to be the nominee," Laura says emphatically.
"I know that," George says. "I know that. And that's not the worst of it."
"Tell me honey buns," Laura says.
"My popularity ratings are the lowest in history, the war in Iraq seems like it will never end, a terrible recession is happening, millions of people are losing their homes, and Israel is going to attack Iran." George is once again out of breath and panting.
Laura takes him in her arms and strokes his brow. "Honey buns, it's all just a nightmare. It's November 2004 and you told me that the war in Iraq would be over within a year. So it's impossible for the war to be going on in 2008. Isn't it?"
"Sure, sure," George says.
"Besides, your popularity ratings are very high. How could you ever become the most unpopular president in history? It's simply not impossible," Laura insists. "The economy is doing fine, and housing sales are booming. Didn't Alan tell us that we’re in the greatest period of prosperity in American history."
"I seem to recollect that. Perhaps it was on the memo that I didn't read. But you're sure you remember it don't you?"
"Yes, Georgie." I read all of your memos."
"Sure do appreciate that hun. You know I can keep track of all these details. But what about Israel attacking Iran?"
"They'd never do that without your permission," Laura says with great determination. "You need to remember that you're the leader of the free world and the best president the United States of America ever had."
"Yes. You're right." George breathes a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad I married you. Everything is going to be fine."

Our New President: Nancy Pelosi

Educated Press September 18, 2008. Breaking News. Henry Heimlich. This evening at 6:30 P.M. President of the United States, George Bush, and Vice President of the United States, Richard Cheney, were kidnapped in the middle of a reception for the president of Uganda by the Swassian ambassador and his wife. The Swassian ambassador was talking with President Bush while his wife made her way to Vice President Cheney. Simultaneously, they pulled out small unusually shaped pistols and put them to the respective heads of the president and vice president. The Swassian ambassador shouted that the weapons were lethal and he and his wife would not hesitate to use them. Secret Service agents immediately pulled their weapons out and surrounded the president and vice president. President Bush said "Everybody stay calm and we will resolve this situation. Men put away your weapons so that no one gets killed, especially me."
The Swassian ambassador and his wife slowly maneuvered their respective captives until they were all together. The ambassador shouted, "Nobody gets in our way or they both get killed." A bright white beam suddenly surrounded the four of them and, to the amazement of the hundreds gathered at the reception, they all disappeared. What the people inside the reception did not know was that a large flying saucer had suddenly appeared over the White House. Planes had been scrambled and were in the process of intercepting the saucer when it moved upward at an extraordinarily high rate of speed into the outer atmosphere and then it was gone.

Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates were seen huddled together immediately after disappearance of the president and vice president. Senate majority leader Harry Reid, also in attendance at the reception, soon joined the conferring parties. Condoleezza Rice was handed a portable microphone and told everyone present that they would be detained for questioning and held into the room until further notice. At that point Condoleezza Rice, Robert Gates, and Harry Reid left a main ballroom and hurriedly walked with a cordon of Secret Service agents to the oval office. They were soon joined by the Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Health, head of Homeland security, and Karl Rove.

Two hours later Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice went to the White House press room and read the following statement."At approximately 6:30 p.m. this evening President of the United States George Bush and vice president of the United States Richard Cheney were kidnapped by aliens posing as the Swiss ambassador and his wife. They were apparently beamed from inside the White House ballroom to a flying saucer located above the White House. The saucer flew into outer space at speeds exceeding 100,000 mph and then disappeared from all ground and satellite radar screens. I have conferred with secretary of defense, Robert Gates, and Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader, and other members of the Cabinet, and we all agree that according to the presidential succession act of 1947 that since there is neither a President nor Vice President to discharge the powers and duties of the office of President, then the Speaker of the House of Representatives shall, upon his resignation as Speaker and as Representative in Congress, act as President. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi will arrive at the White House within the next hour and be sworn in as president of the United States. May God save America."