At 1 a.m., on December 31, 2008, Vice President Dick Cheney called a press conference to announce that he had nullified the results of the presidential election and had declared himself president. He said that, "The country is facing too many crises to be able to survive the inexperience of formerly President-elect Barack Obama. Only a person with my experience and skill will be able to guide the country for the next eight years." When asked by shocked and horrified reporters, what basis or authority did he have to do this, he replied, "I gave myself the necessary authority." Karl Rove, who was at the back of the room during this announcement, nodded sagaciously.
President Bush who was awakened by the Secret Service to be informed of this announcement reportedly said, "Hunh?" Laura Bush was reported to have said, "Let the damn fool to try to do it." After he finished his brief announcement, Vice President Cheney introduced two army colonels who reportedly backed his coup d'état. My inside source at the White House, Omar Fishbein Muhammed, said that no general in any of the services was willing to support this bizarre attempt at usurping the power of the presidency. When President-elect Barack Obama was informed of Vice President Cheney's announcement he reportedly said that he had dispatched Joe Biden to help arrange for appropriate psychiatric care for the vice president.
In Hollywood, Paris Hilton volunteered to be the vice president's personal nurse, and see to it that he is restored to his full mental health, or what remains of it. Senator John McCain said he had suspended his campaign and was rushing to Washington to be of help in this new crisis. Mrs. Cheney was unavailable for comment, and was last seen boarding a plane for Abu Dhabi.